Onward Babe

When should we have sex, and how often?

The short answer

Every one to two days through the fertile window. "Every other day" sits inside that range, needs no tracking, and is easier to sustain than aiming at a single day.

What to know

  • Abstaining to "save up" lowers sperm quality rather than improving it.
  • A positive ovulation test comes about four days after the window opens — too late to start.
  • Once you've ovulated, that cycle is done. Nothing later in the month changes it.
  • Many lubricants harm sperm. ASRM names Astroglide, K-Y, saliva and olive oil; Pre-Seed and mineral oil appear fine.
  • Lying still with your hips up afterwards has no good evidence behind it.
Read the full explanation

The short version, and it's less demanding than people expect: every one to two days through the fertile window. That's what ASRM's guidance points to, and it's associated with the highest pregnancy rates.

Strong evidence If "every other day, starting after your period" is what your doctor told you, that advice is sound. It lands inside the recommended range, it requires no tracking at all, and it means that whenever the window opens, there's already sperm waiting.

Five things that are easy to get wrong

1. Saving up doesn't work

The instinct to abstain for a few days to "build up" is common and backwards. Long abstinence lowers sperm quality; ASRM says so directly. Daily or every-other-day intercourse in the window is better than banking it for the smiley face.

2. Waiting for the positive test is waiting too long

An LH surge means ovulation is coming in about a day and a half. If that's the moment you start, you've skipped the first four days of a six-day window. Use the test to make sure you don't miss the end of the window, not to decide when to begin.

3. After ovulation, this cycle is over

Strong evidence Intercourse the day after ovulation has essentially no chance of conception that cycle. This sounds discouraging and is meant to be the opposite: if you missed the window, you have missed nothing that trying harder for the rest of the month can fix. You can stop calculating and get your evenings back.

4. Many lubricants harm sperm in the lab, and nobody mentions it

Moderate evidence This is the single most concrete, least-known item on the list. ASRM specifically names Astroglide, K-Y Jelly, saliva and olive oil as harmful to sperm survival and motility, and names Pre-Seed, mineral oil and canola oil as options that don't appear to harm sperm function.

Saliva is the one that catches people, because it's free and it's what you reach for. To be fair about the evidence: this comes from lab studies, and one study of couples trying naturally found no difference in how quickly they conceived. But if you use lubricant while trying, switching brands is a thirty-second fix with no downside.

5. What you do afterwards doesn't matter much

Insufficient evidence Lying still with your hips up, staying in bed for twenty minutes, particular positions — there's no good evidence any of it changes your odds. Sperm reach the cervical canal within minutes. If a ritual makes you feel better, it's harmless. Just don't let anyone sell it to you as necessary, and don't add it to the list of things you can fail at.

The part that's harder than the biology

Scheduled sex is one of the most reliably miserable parts of trying to conceive, and it goes unmentioned in almost every clinical resource. Sex becomes an assignment with a deadline and a pass/fail result, and that does something to a relationship that no amount of correct timing compensates for.

A few things genuinely help:

  • Every other day, no calculation. If tracking has become the problem, this covers the window by default and removes the daily decision entirely.
  • Don't announce the window. "Tonight's the night" is the sentence that ruins it. Some couples do better when only one of them is watching the calendar.
  • Name it out loud. Saying "this part is hard and it's not about us" is worth more than pretending it's fine.
  • Keep something that isn't about conceiving. Non-goal-directed intimacy protects the thing you're trying to build a family around.

And if timed intercourse has become unbearable, that is a legitimate thing to tell your doctor. It's a recognized reason some couples move toward IUI earlier, and it isn't a failure of effort or of your relationship.

Then you wait

Once the window closes there's nothing further to do, which is its own particular difficulty. What's actually happening during the two-week wait →

What the research shows

Ratings sit beside each point inside Read the full explanation, because this page covers several things and the evidence behind them differs.

How we grade evidence

Questions for your doctor

Edit any of these before you add it — they're yours. Your list stays in this browser, and you can print a one-page sheet from it.

  • We've been timing with ovulation tests — is there anything about our timing you'd change?
  • Is there any reason to think timing isn't the issue for us?

My question list (0)

Sources

Editorial status. Written and edited September 2026 · every citation on this page opened and checked against the claim it supports, September 2026 · not reviewed by a clinician. We say that plainly because it matters: this is researched and sourced writing, not a medically reviewed publication. Take it to someone who knows your history.

Related

How do I know when I'm ovulating?What's happening during the two-week wait?
Onward Babe is educational, not medical advice. Everything here is built from published research and professional guidelines so you can have a better conversation with the doctor who actually knows your situation.